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Fascinated from an early age by the holes in her family tree, author Katherine A. Briccetti takes it upon herself to search for her father’s birth parents. In her memoir Blood Strangers, her search begins to reveal more tantalizing clues about the family she never knew, she is forced to confront her own tenuous relationship with her two fathers—the father who gave her up as a little girl and the stepfather she struggles to connect with in her adult years. But when she forms her own family with Pam, her longtime partner, Briccetti learns that families can be made under many different circumstances.
Recently PINK caught up with Katherine in San Francisco, to learn more about her new book and and her life as a lesbian mom.
PINK: Tell us about your book.
Katherine: BLOOD STRANGERS is a memoir about making family with the people we love. It’s about three generations of adoption and absent fathers and two women raising two sons in the San Francisco Bay Area. It’s also a coming of age (and coming out) story and a search for missing family. My biological father was adopted in the 30s in a traditional closed adoption; I was adopted by a stepfather in the 60s and lost contact with my biological father; and my partner adopted our kids in a second-parent adoption in the 90s. BLOOD STRANGERS is about my journeys to find my missing family members while making my family in a nontraditional way. Those searches are the mystery parts of the book; the scenes with the boys when they were young provide the humor; and the scenes of reunification are touching—they make some readers cry.
Was Pam involved with the writing of your book?
She read every draft and commented occasionally, but she trusted me to tell our story and gave her approval at every step. She also took on more of the home duties when I was writing, and for this I’m forever grateful.
What made you decide to start a family?
I grew up with teen magazine posters of boys in rock bands plastered to my bedroom walls. I always imagined my wedding—to a man—and having babies. When I was in my late twenties, though, I met Pam and fell in love with her. I didn’t know what this meant—and I delve into my sexual orientation in one of the chapters in the book—but I knew I wanted to be with her. I also knew I was willing to give up the wedding (this was 1987) but not the babies. So we went to the Sperm Bank in Oakland and made two beautiful boys, two years apart, with the same donor. When the kids are 18, the sperm bank will release his identity if the boys want to meet him. We know about him but have never seen a photo of him. I think we’re all eager to at least see what he looks like. That might be the sequel to BLOOD STRANGERS!
What challenges/successes have you encountered as a mother of two boys?
Before I got pregnant, and when I was pregnant the first time, I worried so much about what it would be like for two boys to have two moms and no father. My step-father and mother had divorced when I was a teenager, he had moved out-of-state, and I considered myself “fatherless.” I worried both about the effects of fatherlessness on our kids and about them not having the male role model that so many people said was critical to the mental health of children. Of course, now we have research that shows that worry to be unfounded. Kids of lesbians and gays are doing great. My kids are doing great. I worried about things like my kids feeling sad on Father’s Day every year and being ridiculed for not having a father. But in preschool, they were the object of envy—having two Moms bumped them up a level in status. Then, attending schools in Berkeley, California, they simply didn’t have problems because of the make up of our family. They are still friends with the kids they made in kindergarten. When I published essays about them in national venues, I changed their names to protect them, but eventually they told me I didn’t need to. They didn’t care who knew about their having two moms. It was all they’d ever known, so our family didn’t seem strange or wrong to them. I had two fathers and then lost them. My kids never had a father who they lost. That’s a big difference. My youngest son, now 15, identifies as straight, but he sometimes wears pink fuzzy socks to his urban high school, and he started a Facebook page called “Hugging People of the Same Sex.” He tells his buddies he loves them.
Why Pink Magazine readers should read your book?
They should read it if they want to find a piece of themselves in the story, for the suspenseful, true, mystery story about a woman’s quest to uncover family secrets of an alternative family that is touching and funny. They should read it if they appreciate strong, literary writing and a reliable narrator who takes them on a journey and gives them a page-turner of a read. Finally, they should read it, whether or not they want to be parents, because it’s a much bigger story; it’s a story about humanity and acceptance. When I wrote an opinion piece for the L. A. Times a few months ago, I was shocked at some of the responses I got. Some people, usually because they simply don’t know any gay people, or because they have been raised to fear or disdain gays, are unable to accept people who are different from them. I hope it gives a realistic view of what it’s been like for our kids to be raised by two moms.
Any advice for those readers who are also looking to start their own family?
Read books like BLOOD STRANGERS and find support in other ways by hooking up with other alternative families, but don’t assume that all straight families will shun your family. Once they know an alternative family, most understand we are not so different from their own family, and that we all have more in common as parents than not. Many are proud to know alternative families and are proud to be raising their kids without a fear of differences and without the bigotry that is often passed down from generations. It’s the next generation that will turn things around for alternative families. The teens and young adults of today have a wonderful “so what?” attitude about all of this. We’re waiting for them to grow up and rule the world.
If people could get only one thing from your book, what would it be?
Many readers of BLOOD STRANGERS have told me they have connected in some way to my story. Gay and straight readers all seem to find some theme in the book that resonates strongly with them. The adoption theme, searching for missing family, making a family with the ones we love, the lifelong struggle for our identity, and other subtle themes seem to appeal to readers. I’ve heard from strangers who laughed and cried while reading the book. Gay readers have thanked me for being brave and writing a story that might help change minds, shape a more tolerant future.
What are you working on now?
My second memoir manuscript was recently selected as a finalist in the New Rivers Press Many Voices Project contest. It’s called “A Buswoman’s Holiday” and it’s about working as a school psychologist with children on the autism spectrum while raising a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. I’m currently working on a novel based on a tragedy that occurred in South Dakota in 1968. My website is www.kathybriccetti.com.