In her memoir Hung in the Middle: A Journey of Gender Discovery, Alana (Alan) Nicole Sholar shares the intense ups and downs of her self-discovery and relays how she learned to truly love others and love herself.
Alan was only eight years old when he first realized something was wrong. Dressing in his mother’s clothing felt good, but he never talked about it. Terrified of these urges and afraid to admit them, Sholar became a hard drinking, pill popping guitar player with a sex addiction that led to multiple partners s while hiding the secret within, not knowing there were others like him in the world.
In 2005 as Alana Nicole, scholar took the first step toward accepting her transgendered identity. “No matter what name people use for ‘me’ I am still the same person—have the same personality, skills, talents, education, wit and humor and caring; always been the same ‘me.’ It always struck me as odd how Alan’s friends didn’t care for Alana and Alana’s friends didn’t care for Alan. The only difference between the two comes from the perspective of the person doing the seeing—whether they choose to see Alan or Alana.
As Sholar was ready to admit her transgendered identity to her family and friends, she also had to tell them she had been diagnosed as HIV positive and embrace the life changes this diagnosis contained.
Sholar comments, "I’m not sure I decided to write the book as much as the book as much as the book decided it was time to be written. for sure I couldn’t t write my story until I was able to tell all of it."